Some of me twitters. A collection of tweets sent to twitter from spooks_art

When I first joined twitter, I didn't know why or what it was about, or understand anything about it. Not much has changed.

Anyway - I am still blurting out silly and sometimes profound thoughts, stupid "Dad-jokes", or mind bendingly geeky jokes; (and not really knowing why).

But, perhaps you might like to see some of them. Or follow spooks_art on twitter.

While on the torturous route below, please pick a number -- the number of the tweet you like best, and vote for it at the end.

The majority of these are mine - but several come from ... I don't know.

Thanks!

Enjoy!

1. I thought "cursor" referred to people like George Carlin, Richard Pryor, sailors and truck drivers.
2. Most solar cell discoveries never see the light of day.
3. Definition of paranoia: When the Mennonites are reading your emails.
4. If the future is what is in front of us, then why do we have to wait for it?
5. Ambition is a great thing, but when you look up in the jungle keep your eyes open and your mouth closed.
6. Warning: do NOT stare into the laser and do not stare into the laser with your remaining good eye.
7. Do woodpeckers get headaches?
8. I saw a question in the internet: "Do energy drinks shrivel your testicles?" I figure at least 51% of the population will say 'No'.
9. Ozzie bureaucracy at its best: In at least one key government department, every tweet must be pre-approved by a committee.
10. Smoked kippers. Smoked mackerel. How do they smoke without lungs?
11. Diarrhea is a problem at the weakend
12. You can't eat degrees, but you can eat slices of pi.
13. Just remember: You can't lip read chickens.
14. Be wear the spill chuck tool. It will mike ewe luck a fuel. Sew ewe think ewe no all is write, but know it snot ass ewe ore eye can reed.
15. I think smokers who wear dust masks while sanding or masks while spray painting should also wear them while smoking.
16. Is a born-comedian a "farce of nature?"
17. Geek joke: "Windows is the default Gate's way."
18. Fuch's Warning: If you actually look like your passport photo, you aren't well enough to travel.
19. Even the tooth fairy is not immune to inflation.
20. It's ironic that the most important invention in mathematics is nothing.
21. When you find some good packing tape. Stick with it
22. How can you sleep in when you camp out?
23. No one needs bookmarks more than the Alzheimer Research Forum!
24. It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other places
25. Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.
26. I don't like the word "Behoove". It brings up a mental picture of an insect-faced minotaur.
27. The best thing about C++ is how you can now screw up in an object-oriented way.
28. Damn it! Why do instant noodles take two min to cook?
29. Always avoid accidental and also accurately-aimed alliteration and assonance, as ample alternatives are all around (actually).
30. Warning. Don't play teeter on yr droid unless you don't like yr droid & would b happy to hurl it across the room.
31. Is a computer like a drug? Probably. That's why we are called 'users'.
32. My sister said, "Wt r calories? Calories are the little bastards that get into your wardrobe at night and sew your clothes tighter."
33. Sometimes I start something and never fini
34. Most people don't read user-manuals. Most user manuals are not readable.
35. Only current members of the tautology club are allowed to join
36. I do TRY to keep my unread emails under 1000
37. If a watched pot never boils then why does an unwatched printer never print?
38. Key to staying alive on the road: "Never do anything unexpected.". Key to staying alive: "Do something unexpected".
39. If I could fold space, then I'd put it in an envelope and get it in the post before I mail it.
40. The problem I find with Wikipedia is that you cannot be 100% sure that it's wrong.
41. I work with some Turkeys too, but they won't teach me to fly :-(
42. In light of the AAA+ downgrade in USA, only AA batteries will now be sold. Please return all AAA batteries.
43. I should really stop being surprised when my phone indicates a new email, just after sending myself a reminder.
44. Have you noticed that every individual is apparently a better than average driver?
45. You cannot LIVE without EVIL
46. The artist part of my brain says, "Ooooh@pretty colours!" and at the same time, the physics part goes, "Lovely wavelengths there..."
47. In science you get paid to try and break laws.
48. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 again and again and again...
49. All technology is dominated either by people who understand what they do not manage, or people who manage what they do not understand.
50. Good computer programs attract good money, which makes better programs impossible.
51. Installation and operating manuals will be lost before reading.
52. If Architects built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization
53. Women will never be = to men til they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they R sexy.
54. Just remember: Without the shit shovellers, you would be up to your neck in shit.
55. I found out that "Guess how much I saved" followed by backing in under the carport is not a good omen.
56. Never ask someone how to spell gullible.
57. Things you DON'T want to hear: Darling! I had a great day at the shops. Guess how much I saved!
58. We went to the theater today. When the curtain opened, an excited little voice exclaimed, "MUM! It's 3D!"
59. I understand "paint by brushes" but "paint by numbers baffles me"
60. Yeah sometimes I think we should have called them smartass phones.
61. Alcoholics should stop wine-ing.
62. Be fivewarned: Inflation is really taking hold. Saw a cockathree at the zoo. Wife wants fiveplay. A pear is now called a group.
63. "Don't ask hookers if they take EFTPOS." What? Even though there are two (or three) possible places to swipe your card?
64. Sign outside new upstart barbers: "$5 hair cuts"... Sign outside long established hair-dressers. "We fix $5 haircuts".
65. Beware the $6 umbrella. That is all.
66. Do porn stars have erotic sleeping patterns?
67. When my phone says it's charging, I find out how true that is when the bill arrives.
68. How do you draw a digital elephant? One byte at a time.
69. I've heard about this thing called procrastination. I'll get me some of that. Sometime. When I get around to it. Maybe tomorrow.
70. A clown, depressed after 20 years being the back end of a horse was rushed to hospital. He's in a serious but stable condition.
71. 100 PRINT "I am not a bot." ; 200 GOTO 100
72. Oddly, if you have to ask, "but is it art?", then it is most likely art.
73. There is something satisfyingly geeky about maintaining the number of unread emails in your inbox at exactly 1337
74. I'm on the road. Grabbed some toothpaste for the trip but just discovered it's anti fungal cream. :-(
75. Sorry. I just don't feel funny today. No funny for you. Come back... One year.